By Cliff Heegel
I cannot find a better way to spend my life than practicing the path of understanding and love. I have practiced forgetfulness for much of my life, and experienced, both personally and professionally, the consequences of a self-centered life of ignorance. There is such suffering. To help relieve suffering, I must be present. To do what needs to be done, I need the support of an understanding and loving Sangha.
Aspiring to the Order is a commitment to my own care. The structure that the Order provides will help me water the seeds of love and harmony in myself and in others. My practice will deepen. That is what I want.
Both my parents suffered from addiction and depression. These are my roots. My own addictions were also a mask for depression. I suffered from spiritual pride for many years, struggling with the notion that psychiatric medication and meditation were incompatible. I thought depression was a sign of my inherent weakness and indicated my practice wasn't good enough. For years, I felt guilty because I wasn't. happy even though I practiced. After I quit drinking and USIng drugs, I had to accept my biological condition of depression. There was no longer anything to mask it. Finally, I swallowed my pride and got medication that helped.
Now, I do not have to take medication all the time. Still, I periodically crash into a low-grade depression. It is biological and has very little to do with practice or lifestyle. I can be living well and practicing well and still descend into a blue funk. I simply accept this as a biological illness and take my medication when I have to. This acceptance has helped me realize the non-duality of depression and non-depression.
I cannot help teaching what works to whoever I know. In my case, that means my local Sangha as well as psychotherapy clients. I teach mindfulness whenever it seems appropriate. I am getting great results, too. In one case, I taught mindful breathing and walking to a client who had been in therapy for many years with many therapists. For the fIrst time, she could talk about traumatic memories without going into a catatonic state. This woman suffered severe abuse as a child, has been a drug addict, and is bulimic and suicidal. I have several boxes of razor blades that she used to cut herself when she was in pain. Now, she simply breathes and sometimes, smiles. Of course, the best teaching is the one that I give with my presence.
Order aspirant Cliff Heegel, Determination of the Source, practices with the Memphis, Tennessee Sangha.