By Marc J. Francis

In the beginning, I had no mindfulness practice. I had heard of Thich Nhat Hanh from Max Pugh, who is the co-director of our film Walk With Me and a good friend, and from Max’s (blood) brother, Brother Phap Linh. 

When I arrived at Deer Park Monastery in the middle of a retreat in 2012, one of the monks invited me to sleep in the monastic library because there was no space in the dorms. I woke up the next morning, jet lagged, and made my way to Thay’s talk in the meditation hall. At this time I was about to have another child. I had been thinking, “How can I give my children a good education?” I had been struggling with this question because I felt that I wasn’t a good father and that there was something missing. Maybe I needed to give my children a good education. 

A big light bulb went off when Thay said, “The best education you can give your children is to know yourself.” I thought, “That’s it. It’s not about them, it’s about who I am; and how I can educate myself to know myself.”

Thay went on to say, “Mindfulness is the tool to help you get into the present moment. When you’re with loved ones, whether they’re your children or other people you love, you show true love by offering somebody your true presence. Ask yourself, ‘How often am I in the present moment?’ You may be thinking about something you need to do later. Or you’re thinking about your mobile phone or your email. That’s not being present. That’s being absent. Children, in particular, are acutely aware when you are present physically, but you’re actually not there. Mindfulness will get you there.” 

I was so blown away by the last two sentences that I couldn’t listen to the rest of the talk. I already had enough information. 

I’d like to believe that mindfulness has had a really positive impact on my family. I’m much more into the quality of time together than the quantity of time. It can be a half hour, an hour, or a day. When I say, “I’m going to be with you now,” I am going to be there for my children in that moment.

I also have to say to them, “I’m not going to be with you right now, so don’t ask me to be there.” Sometimes I find myself in the middle of a situation in which I’ve kind of said “Yes,” but I shouldn’t have said “Yes.” When I’ve still got work to do and they’re talking to me, I say: “Yah, uh huh, uh huh.” And my oldest one says, “Dad, you’re not listening to me. You’re going, ‘Uh huh,’ and every time you go ‘Uh huh,’ I know you’re not listening to me.”

I have to say, “You’re right. Sorry, I wasn’t listening to you. I’m preoccupied. I should have told you. Just let me finish this up, and then I’ll be there for you.”

I took my children to Plum Village when we were making the film in 2014, so they could do the summer retreat. They learned to point things to me, and I had to ask myself, “Well, why the hell am I not there?” And very quickly we could both see the answer.

Speaking of family, Max got to spend more time with his brother. The film became an opportunity for the two brothers to get to know each other, which is a beautiful thing. There’s a lot of love in the film because the intention was for both of them to connect.